So drunk, too bad you don't want this
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
It's official drugs can't kill me
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Randomize
