I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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