I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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