my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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