he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
