evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
