Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
