You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
