were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
