dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
