woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
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