i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
