Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
