Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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