i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I just googled if crying burns calories
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
