You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
