Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize