I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
