I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
