in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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