someone threw a dead crab at me
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
