Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
