Don't you send me to vm
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
