Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
