Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
