Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
