Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
