They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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