I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
