wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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