Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
