If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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