my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
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Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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