why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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