Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
My liver just had a heart attack.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
This is my gift to your gina
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.