from now on my penis is your penis
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
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