Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
