I wish my penis had an off switch
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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