I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
