Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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