in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
