i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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