i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
