Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
