I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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