im six kinds of drunk right now
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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