You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
