I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
