i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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