She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
