She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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