dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
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we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i believe in u and ur pee
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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