I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
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My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
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Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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