For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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