I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
