I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I need to sanitize my soul.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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