This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
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She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
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which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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