I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
