I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
