I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
