I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Just cropdusted the office
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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