Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
